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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Unplanning and Unscripting.

I'm so much better than I used to be about plans.

There was a time when I would plan something 'just so' and if it didn't go the way it was supposed, it would seriously screw with me.

I suppose going through the wedding planning process forced me into confronting the fact that as much as you plan and outline and prioritize, life goes on, in its own way, and there is nothing you can do to make it work the way you want.  Life compounded this with health stuff and general career disappointment.

Therefore, i don't react the same way that I used to when things didn't work out.  Sure I have my moments when I'm like "FUCK WHY AREN'T YOU DOING WHAT I WANT".  Who doesn't?  But I'm better at it.  

For instance, I didn't fall to sleep quite as early as I wanted and I woke up starving at 6am.  (really, that is not the best time to have a snack, but, i did not eat very well yesterday and I burned through my calories quickly.  Also, supplanting the need for protein with an oreo is not exactly what you should do either. meh).

After eventually falling into 'sleepy' state again, the back of my mind said "prepare for tomorrow to not go the way you'd like.  Totally not going the way I'd like.

I've now got about 7 (not consecutive) hours of sleep in me, which is not bad considering it is me.  But I still need to go to the bank, visit a peanut, and try to swing by a fair.  This is of course also to include meal times, and a nap before karaoke.  I'm also prepared that a nap will likely not occur as well.  I will supplant with caffeine.

Bank has to happen.  That's an easy one.  Peanut, although rated higher than fair, is more of a constant than fair, as far only happens today.  So do I fair and then Peanut?  Peanut then Fair?  

And at this point.  I am thinking.  Oh who the hell cares.  This is incredibly freeing as I haven't promised anyone anything today other than some drinking and singing.  So besides my wanting additional things, I know I'm going to be just fine not doing them.

Yes I'm a bit allergy-ridden today, I'm working on that.  But overall, ain't gonna let it bother me that I didn't meet my 'expectations'.  I've spent a lifetime creating expectations for myself, that I could never live up to, judging myself more harshly than anyone else ever had, due to some imaginary pressure that i believed was placed upon me by society to be a certain way.  

And ya know what I say to that?  MEH!  I'll get there when I get there.

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